I never once imagined we would be here at 3. In fact, no one really did. Every doctor we met or therapist we consulted with thought he would have a little residual delay at 3, but be well on his way to catching up to his peers. It seems that most stories I hear or read about involve doctors telling parents that their child won't do this or that and the child later goes on to completely disprove the doctor. That's just not our case. Price is doing just the opposite, at least according to the initial thoughts of the doctors we consulted with at the beginning of this journey. (Lately, it seems we hear less and less of the positive.)
I struggle with being hopeful and believing in Price's complete healing and then not getting my hopes up, so to speak, too much. It's tough to balance. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I think I am trying so hard to guard my heart from just exploding at times.
Yesterday, I made a call to put Price on a list for medically-dependent children that will help pay for long-term care, equipment, etc. in the event that you might need them. No, we don't need this now, thank God, but the future is so uncertain I decided to just get him on the list. Supposedly it takes up to six years for one's name to come up, so it's just me being extra prepared for the what-if's. For the future. In my greatest dreams, the agency calls me in six years and I am able to speak of the miracles that have taken place in our boy's life. I won't even write about my worst dreams.
I was talking to Nathan about all of this the other night and just telling him how fragile my heart is concerning all of this. I promise my husband just gets wiser and wiser because he usually knows the right reply, whether I like what he has to say or not. We discussed how we have today. Only today. Today, we know where Price is and what he's doing. Today we know that he is making progress, although it is so painfully slow. Today. Not a minute from now, not tomorrow, not 6 years from now. And the Lord's grace is sufficient for today. It is so very sufficient, my friends.
Ellery and I watched Soul Surfer during the boys' nap time yesterday. I highly recommend it. She later asked me if the Lord healed the girl's arm that was bitten off by a shark. She said, "God will let it grow back. He heals us." I had to tell her that yes, Jesus heals, but some people don't receive their healing this side of heaven. I could tell that she was a little perplexed and then she turned to Price and asked if he was going to be healed this side of heaven. I had to tell her I don't know, but that He always does what is best and good and what brings Him the most glory. She looked a little sad, then said that she did not want Price to not be able to run and talk and play with her his entire life. Hard lessons for a 5 year old. Hard lessons for a mama.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if we just had a diagnosis. It's not that a diagnosis means a whole lot, but it means something. It would give us an idea of what the future might hold for our boy. It would help us prepare. It would help us to have an idea as to why.
But, then I remind myself we have today, and I want to seize every moment with my almost 3 year old. I want to hold him tight in my arms, be his legs when he needs them, kiss on his cheeks and ears over and over, forget about all the cannots. I want to love him so very well TODAY.
I don't have an awesome ending to this post or a great way of wrapping it up. I do know that the Lord's not done with Price's story and we can choose joy despite our circumstances. And I do know that His grace is and always will be enough.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9