Saturday, August 20, 2011

Today

Maybe it's the start of a new school year or maybe it's the fact that Price is turning 3 a week from Monday. Maybe it's that Nathan has been out of town for a few days or that we are trying to figure out our new schedule or that P will not be promoted to a new Sunday school classroom for the upteenth time tomorrow. Maybe it's a lot of little things, but this past week I have been feeling a little gloomy. Not down in the dumps or anything, but just occasionally down. Usually, when I try to pinpoint what it is I am feeling, it has to do with Price. It's never P himself, just usually something that is a result of his developmental delay and all that goes with that.

I never once imagined we would be here at 3. In fact, no one really did. Every doctor we met or therapist we consulted with thought he would have a little residual delay at 3, but be well on his way to catching up to his peers. It seems that most stories I hear or read about involve doctors telling parents that their child won't do this or that and the child later goes on to completely disprove the doctor. That's just not our case. Price is doing just the opposite, at least according to the initial thoughts of the doctors we consulted with at the beginning of this journey. (Lately, it seems we hear less and less of the positive.)

I struggle with being hopeful and believing in Price's complete healing and then not getting my hopes up, so to speak, too much. It's tough to balance. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I think I am trying so hard to guard my heart from just exploding at times.

Yesterday, I made a call to put Price on a list for medically-dependent children that will help pay for long-term care, equipment, etc. in the event that you might need them. No, we don't need this now, thank God, but the future is so uncertain I decided to just get him on the list. Supposedly it takes up to six years for one's name to come up, so it's just me being extra prepared for the what-if's. For the future. In my greatest dreams, the agency calls me in six years and I am able to speak of the miracles that have taken place in our boy's life. I won't even write about my worst dreams.

I was talking to Nathan about all of this the other night and just telling him how fragile my heart is concerning all of this. I promise my husband just gets wiser and wiser because he usually knows the right reply, whether I like what he has to say or not. We discussed how we have today. Only today. Today, we know where Price is and what he's doing. Today we know that he is making progress, although it is so painfully slow. Today. Not a minute from now, not tomorrow, not 6 years from now. And the Lord's grace is sufficient for today. It is so very sufficient, my friends.

Ellery and I watched Soul Surfer during the boys' nap time yesterday. I highly recommend it. She later asked me if the Lord healed the girl's arm that was bitten off by a shark. She said, "God will let it grow back. He heals us." I had to tell her that yes, Jesus heals, but some people don't receive their healing this side of heaven. I could tell that she was a little perplexed and then she turned to Price and asked if he was going to be healed this side of heaven. I had to tell her I don't know, but that He always does what is best and good and what brings Him the most glory. She looked a little sad, then said that she did not want Price to not be able to run and talk and play with her his entire life. Hard lessons for a 5 year old. Hard lessons for a mama.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if we just had a diagnosis. It's not that a diagnosis means a whole lot, but it means something. It would give us an idea of what the future might hold for our boy. It would help us prepare. It would help us to have an idea as to why.

But, then I remind myself we have today, and I want to seize every moment with my almost 3 year old. I want to hold him tight in my arms, be his legs when he needs them, kiss on his cheeks and ears over and over, forget about all the cannots. I want to love him so very well TODAY.

I don't have an awesome ending to this post or a great way of wrapping it up. I do know that the Lord's not done with Price's story and we can choose joy despite our circumstances. And I do know that His grace is and always will be enough.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

11 comments:

Momttorney said...

One of the hardest parts of this journey for me is balancing the wanting more FOR her (not from her) with still just accepting our right now.

August has been a rough one for me too . . .

Thinking of you.

Danielle said...

Dearest Kristen,
I must share TODAY what motivating inspirations both you and Ellery, as the women of your precious family, have had on my outlook of life throughout your faithful journey with sweet Price. Ellery is an incredible little girl to demonstrate such loving maturity and patience as a young daughter and sister. You, friend, have challenged me to juggle everything at once yet maintain a delicate balance with such grace as a devoted wife and courageous mother. I really appreciate your models of unconditional love. Miss you...
Hugs,
Danielle

Tabaitha said...

You are an amazing mother and I know this journey is hard. God is being glorified in it. The legacy you are setting for all of your children will be something they will remember years from now. Ellery is so wise beyond her years and she is such a good big sister to Price and Street. Praying for you girl!

Matt & Leigh Anne said...

Amen! God has given Price the best parents and support. He gives you what you need. You are such an incredible mother. God has great and perfect plans for sweet Price. Continually praying for yall!

Win said...

I came to know you through your blog, and was touched significantly by your post CLAY. I love Price and your family and find joy in your joy and sorrow in your hurt. I know that it is easy for all of us to try and portray our hopes and prayers for you and to tell you to keep that pretty chin up, I am sure it is hard to hear. But as you continue to touch and inspire our lives, I would like to remind you, humbly, that by sharing your life and story you are making a huge impact on thousands of others' - whether strengthening our relationship with God, or in it's narrowist definition- putting life in perspective. I don't know why Price isn't given the same development opportunities, BUT I do know that there IS a reason and God has plans. He is an angel boy and loved so greatly by us all. Science can be very arrogant and does not have all the answers- they simply have hypothesis and they are not always right. Price has had some big victories and I await more. You are a STRONG woman and he is lucky to have you as his mother, they all are. And you are an admirable family. I know that you can see the sun through the clouds and wish you a peaceful heart.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Every post you write touches me...You are an awesome Mom.....blessings and a Happy Sunday

shannonmichaelis said...

I love your heart in this. The Lord is glorified in our trials! May you continue to point others to Him. Need to stop on by on our bikes soon and ring the doorbell....

glenda said...

Yet again your writings and thoughts are inspirations.......it begs us to
stop and appreciate today.....to appreciate what we so often take for granted. More importantly, you show through your faith and grace
that the road to HIM is not always easy, and others learn strength from you! Prayers as always!

cindy gatewood said...

There is nothing more dear to the
heart of God than soul winning.
I would imagine that by sharing your heart and your FAITH on your
blog, you have done just that!
Keep planting those seeds..
"there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity
under heaven."


Love you!
Mom

Jill said...

We are so blessed to have Price in our family! He is such a joy! Praying for you daily on this journey!

Megan said...

I have not commented before, but I have read your blog for a while and I also tried to catch up on your story...I am not a crazy person - I went to school with Taylor and Haley Kelly and my sister went to college with Paige...and you know how blogworld works - stumbled on your blog...
Anyway - from the first post I read I have been encouraged by your heart and your spirit! An inspiration for me for sure as a mom of three.
I have had your little guy on my heart since I first read about him. I'm a speech therapist and have known many families walking in different and similar struggles with their kiddos.
Anyway - that's a lot of rambling just to say that I am praying for your family and specifically for Price's healing. And to encourage you to know that you are a light to others!

newer older home