Thursday, June 2, 2011

Guilt

My theme of the day..Guilt, with a capital G.
It started off with a trip to our natural doctor and it was nothing he said or did. It was just a voice in my head when we left. "You could have done this or that better and Price would not be where he is. It's your fault. Decisions you made for his care were wrong." Etc. etc. etc....you get the picture.

We got home and I had about 10 minutes to get the house straight and nurse Street before Price's speech therapist came over. He sees a new speech therapist at his school and since he is out of school for 3 weeks, she asked to see him at home. I was looking forward to getting to talk with her and watch a little of his session. She is extremely nice and I could tell, very good at what she does. She has a tremendous amount of diverse experience. She told me about the assessment she did with him to measure where he is at with speech. The word "developmental assessment" makes me want to run far away, really fast. It's like I know he is behind. It's not new information. But it hurts every time to hear it and to see it on paper. His therapist didn't make a big deal of it, just told me that she wants to improve on the 1% he is at currently. Yes, the 1%. (Good thing is he can't really get worse if I am looking at the bright side.) He has no words and he will be 3 in a few months, so obviously it's not going to be a stellar report.

She gave me a handful of things to work on...pictures to take of people, places, favorite foods, and toys, videos to watch with instruction, techniques to work on when he is at home. My mind was spinning, and really they are all such simple things. It's not like she asked too much of me. But the voice in my head said, "You don't do enough with him. You could be doing so much more. Do you even care?" Yikes.

Moving on I heard more of the voice. "All this work with Price is so unfair to Ellery and Street. They don't get enough attention. How will they ever live a normal life if you are constantly having to tend to Price and his special needs?"

Ellery's new I'm-almost-5 attitude didn't help at all. "Am I modeling this kind of behavior? Have I lost all control of my daughter? I am a horrible disciplinarian."

And further, "Poor Street. He's just on his own. It was probably totally irresponsible to have another child. How did I ever think I could handle 4 at one time because 3 is sending me to looney town."

And the internal dialogue continued throughout the day until I said, "Enough!" Guilt is not from my heavenly Father. Accusation and condemnation are the opposite of His character. I will make a choice to have faith. I will trust my days to Him, the author and perfecter of my faith. I will trust that each day He will be the one to supply me with exactly what I need to take care of these precious 3 entrusted to my care. And it will be enough. I will trust that He made each one of my kids with the other in mind, knowing their exact needs and heart. I will trust that our family was so perfectly and {very} creatively knit together.

I will also see what is RIGHT with my son, instead of what is supposedly wrong. I will look at him through the eyes of his creator. There is so much that is SO VERY RIGHT with Price.

"The God who commends and cultivates our faith will sometimes lead us into painful places, into unreasonable places, and into places that simply do not make sense. Why? Because real faith has to outweigh our emotional comfort, our human logic, and our passion for understanding. When it does, the Object of our faith has become the most important thing in our lives." {Worship the King by Chris Tiegreen}

13 comments:

Tiffany said...

love this and love you. Also love that yearly devotional.

shannonmichaelis said...

I am constantly fighting the voice in my head. I tell myself that discontent is not from the Lord. Need to ride our bikes and ring your doorbell soon. :-)

Matt & Leigh Anne said...

You are such a great mother....all your precious babies are lucky to have such a wondeful and devoted mother. This verse came to mind when reading your post: "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”. Love the reassurance He is by your side through it all. Keep that guilt far away, bc it doesnt belong any where near you! Love you!

cindy gatewood said...

I agree with Leigh Anne....you are
solely devoted to those 3! Most people have no idea what you go
through on a daily basis, and you
do it so well! Your kiddos are
SO lucky to have you, and vice
versa..
You are an inspiration to many!
(including me) ;)

cindy gatewood said...

I agree with Leigh Anne....you are
solely devoted to those 3! Most people have no idea what you go
through on a daily basis, and you
do it so well! Your kiddos are
SO lucky to have you, and vice
versa..
You are an inspiration to many!
(including me) ;)

S.Champion said...

I couldn't agree more with Cindy. You are an absolutely amazing mother! I hope today is better:)

Tabaitha Kaye said...

I agree with everyone! God knows what is best for Price and that is why he chose you as his mother.

Jill said...

I'm sure we would all feel this way at certain points if we were in your shoes. It's because you love Pricey so much, as we all do! Love you!

Paige said...

Agreed, agreed, agreed. Those 3 WERE perfectly made for your family. You are the most devoted momma I know. Guilt does not come from the Father, this is true. Don't let the enemy get the best of you, you are doing an AMAZING job every single day with ALL 3. It doesn't go unnoticed to those around you. Your heart is just abundant with love for Pricey, and like Jill said, I'm sure we would all feel the same way at times if we were in your shoes. Keep your head up high, the Lord is working!!!

cindy gatewood said...

PS - And remember to pick your
battles with a very important
little girl.;)
There will probably be many more
difficult ones in the near
future....let us never forget
the yellow headband!!! hahaha

Love you!

Lyndsay said...

I feel you Kristen! I too struggle with mama guilt as I'm sure most moms do too. As a therapist, I am familiar with parents of special needs kids and BELIEVE me you are going above and beyond for Price - he is one lucky boy to have you!
As far as Ellery - I think it is a 5 year old thing! Walker has pretty much been easy peasy and then he hit 5 and boom he was difficult! We started a star chart with certain categories and it has done wonders for him this week - might work for E!

Donlee and Amanda said...

I am in awe of you and what a great mommy you are every week when I read your blog...just thought you might need to know that you are inspiring to others that get a peek inside.

Lacey said...

My husband recently preached on John 9:1-3, and after reading your blog entry, it made me think of this passage. Chris (my husband) used it to talk about how people are now aborting babies b/c they find out that there is something wrong with them in the womb, but that God does not look at the baby as imperfect or a burden; rather, they are created in His image, and are able to glorify God by displaying His good works. You and your sweet son are such a living testimony of this fact--your blog both makes me cry and smile, and I can literally see how God is sanctifying you and your family through a tough reality. Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully and with such humility. Praying for healing, peace, and joy for your family.


"As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."" John 9:1-3

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